FUCK the Hallmark cards, FUCK a dozen roses!  I know I’m not like most girls, but I usually boycott Valentines Day.  To me, if you dig someone, and you think about them on a regular basis, you do little things for each other, all the time.  So, picking one day a year, that you’re supposed to go out and perform the gargantuan task of coming up with some spectacular Valentines gift or whatever,  is fucked, in my opinion. I think a lot of pressure is put on the guy and girls get off pretty easy. This again I think, is kinda fucked.

So here’s the deal, Valentines day should be about doing some thing a little more special than your every day displays of affection. Here’s my list of things, in no particular order, you can do for your woman, without spending any or very little money, that will move her.  If she doesn’t appreciate these things, she’s a cold, shallow, material, heartless, un-sentimental bitch.  Loose the baggage and pick up something more light weight and versatile.

1. Give her a day spa......, foot rub and most important a  hot oil, full body, deep tissue massage..... While wearing  something she thinks is sexy...A KEY here is, do it like you mean it.  (Do it like the first massage you ever gave her and you were trying to get down her pants.)

2. This one’s easy, you can do all variations of this pampering thing, invite her over to a bathroom lit by candle light, a HOT bath filled with bubbles, make sure you’ve selected some mood music, and don’t forget to scrub her back and whatever else she wants scrubbed.

3. Give her something of yours that is important to you..........the strangest things could make her happier than you’d ever know.  Maybe a piece of your jewelry, your work shirt with your name embroidered on it or a pair of your favorite dickies. I was recently given the sweetest gift!!  For one, it was for no reason, it was just something I wanted....and even more sweet, it was one of his favorite sk8 decks.   Scoring BIG points, by not trying to score points.  Un self-less acts of kindness, melt our hearts.

4. Hand pick her some flowers.....where?  I don’t know. Not like there’s too many open fields in O.C. anymore. But a stroll in the park for some daisy’s and wild flowers and then drive by a real nice neighborhood and borrow a few exotic ones from that rich fuck drive’n the SUV, that’s always nice.  Last year I came home to hand pick flowers on my porch, very smooth.

5. We can’t help but love being delivered flowers at work.  Whether I want to admit it or not, it’s the truth. So, if it’s at all possible, after you pick them, deliver them yourself, or have one of your friends take them in. Very suave.

6. You can go a couple of ways in the flower area, if you can get into her house or her work before she gets there, somehow, this isn’t my problem, spell her name in rose petals.  That will rock her.

7. Some of us are poets; some just can’t seem to find the words.  Well, let me tell you, any words from the heart, poetic or a run on sentence are better than any hallmark card.  Sit down and just write, in your own words what your girl means to you, how she makes you feel. Write down the little things about her that you like so much,  that you never tell her.  These things are really nice to hear. Chicks need affirmations.

8. If you are musically inclined, a song is the ultimate gesture.  What girl would not die to have a song written for them. It’s definitely the highest of high, chicks dig this the most. 

9. If there’s just no hope for you,(You obviously like music or you wouldn’t be on this website reading this stupid shit).. anyway, pick a song that the lyrics remind you of her. There are so many choose from, don’t, make me give you examples....ok.. ”Butterfly” by Crazy Town, or how about, “I Want You Bad..” by the Offspring, nice.  Write all the words down, or maybe a verse,  or something that’s expressing an emotion you feel and pass that note along to her.  Someone once gave me a piece of paper that said...........”you’re eyes burned live fire through my heart..”..Let Love Rule...Lenny K.”.  That was it, but, I still have that piece of paper.

10. What ever happened to the old fashioned serenade?  Ya know, standing under her window and singing her a song.  In any key, it would work for me.

11. The ultimate gifts are those that take thought, time, and paying attention to those little clues we females drop.  The writing between the lines, the things we just can’t come out and say. But we all have a dream gift, kinda like Cinderella, ya know fairy tales and shit. (They warp your mind)Every since we were little girls, there was just one thing we’ve always wanted, that dream gift. The thing that passes us by year after year, that one special  thing you never get.   Your fucked if it’s a horse or a jeep or something like that...but you would be surprised in my research how most of these things were free.  I know my stupid girly prize is free or under 30 bucks for sure.  So I know there’s not much time for research, so I say cheat and ask one of her friends.

Here’s my much shorter list of things, again, in no particular order,  that are a guaranteed winner for almost any guy...........If he doesn’t like any of these things, then sorry to break the news to ya honey, he’s gay.

1. Put on some nasty lingerie or dress up like a school girl or whatever your man likes, and throw his ass down when he walks in the door.  Give him a rocking lap dance, and then give him a good one. This is a real treat, since after his lap dances, he usually has to jerk off alone (you hope).

2. If you have the ability to send something over night, like fed X or, one of your friends could make a delivery for you..... send him a little box, in it, maybe something like a pair of sexy g-string panties, scented in perfume, to his work. What a stud he’d be!

4. Give him a massage.  Take off all his clothes and use some muscles ladies, have some fun. Rub some flavored,  yummy,  heated,  gel shit all over him and lick it off . 

5. Pamper him, give him a little day spa action. Most guys are in desperate need of a manicure.  Don’t be gay and put nail polish on him, just clean him  up. He most likely uses scissors to cut his nails and toes.   Get him some hot, soapy water to soak his dogs in and give him a good foot rub.  Again, most guys that aren’t gay or rich, don’t go get these things done. They have no idea how good it feels.

6. Clean his house! Here’s a great excuse to clean up his shit hole. Here’s the twist, Do it topless, in a thong, naked, whatever. Just make sure you bend over a lot.

7. This is a good day/night to give in to what ever sexually deviant act, he’s been trying to talk you into.  A nice surprise for any guy is full filling his fantasies. (Remember, if you don’t, there’s most likely some bitch out there that will.) There is  lot’s of low freak factor things you can do. Do you really need examples? Ok, like...pull out your special toy and give him a show. I don’t know what guy wouldn’t want to watch a chick masturbate.  Let him tie you up, dress you up, video tape it, take some pictures, or maybe,  take it, in an area that has been up for debate.  Hey, these aren’t my ideas, don’t shoot the messenger.

8. B.J............Let him know how you feel, no, not with words, but your mouth is involved..........get on your knees....bitch.......!

Last but not least, if you’re a more serious couple and living together, instead of being dumb asses and going out to dinner....pack up a nice picnic dinner and hit the beach and watch the sunset. How romantic.

If that’s not your thing, why not make a real nice dinner together at home.  Have many cocktails, smoke a jay, rent some porno’s and have some real fun.. Or, fuck it, stay home, watch the boob tube and eat tv dinner’s in your underwear. I’m only trying to help.

I’m out. Happy Fucking Valentines Day

Jeana with a "J"